You NEED a Therapist with EXPERIENCE in Narcissistic Abuse

Hi! My name is Vanessa Reiser. I am a survivor of a trauma filled childhood that led to many struggles in adulthood that I overcame but nothing could ever have prepared me for experiencing narcissistic abuse.  The trauma caused by this insidious form of domestic violence is so hard to understand while in the midst of it and even in hindsight. When I was informed by one of my ex's first victims, that this person was a "narcissist,” I was so unclear on what this meant, even though I knew the person I was with was deeply flawed. As a psychotherapist, I know the clinical criteria someone has to meet to be diagnosed as a narcissist but I did not know the true meaning of what narcissistic abuse was and what it was like for the victims who lived with it until I started to research. I was now part of a tribe; a group of special superheroes who have survived it. The damage that true narcissists cause is so tremendous; the daily circular conversations, the gaslighting, the lack of empathy, the controlling behaviors, the isolation, manipulation, insatiable attention-seeking, addictive behaviors, anxiousness, entitled thinking, love-bombing, future-faking, lying, cheating, devaluing, and silent treatment are continuous and demented. His other victims, both before and after me, explained that he was a "malignant, covert, passive-aggressive narcissist and I was the victor for having left him.” These were their words. 

I was so afraid at first but I knew the only way out was to come into my power; my self-love. I couldn't wrap my mind around the possibility that a person didn't experience love or empathy. How could this be?  BUT IT IS TRUE.  

When it was finally over for good and I left, he became unhinged and the mask fully came off. As I began to see my friends follow him and people and that people I loved were not there for me, I was so confused. Why do they not believe me? Was I wrong about him? Why would they support someone who caused me so much suffering? What would happen to me? Who am I? Would he find me? Would he fix it? He seemed to love me so much.  Would this work out? Into the rabbit hole I went. This is the trauma bond.  The highs and lows had me so confused. I was traumatized. There is data that suggests it is like coming off of opiates.  I shook for 9 days. 

Soon after that I hired a life coach that specialized in leaving a toxic partner and dove into therapy.  I learned so much about myself, how much I hadn't really been good to myself and how much of that stemmed from always seeking the approval of my mother that I was lacking from early childhood. The friends I have today are the truest and stood by me through it all and continue to do so while the healing continues. The loss of so many that I thought were my friends now feel is like a blessing as I now know who I can truly  trust and rely on. 

Once away from the situation I began hearing stories of terribly deviant behaviors he was engaging in while we were together that I was completely unaware of. It was all so much to piece together.  I also learned he had a new victim right away. He immediately started the cycle over with someone new. My life coach told me she has four of her narcissist's subsequent victims in her coaching program.  

As time went on, I became less concerned about the person who hurt me and more concerned about who was buying their bullshit. Similarly, I remembered feeling so pained by my mother’s “poo-poo-ing” of my claims of molestation as a child.  My point is that the pain of not being heard or believed and the abuser getting away with the abuse is just as traumatizing, if not more so, than the initial trauma itself. My childhood molester was never charged with or punished for his crimes but the devastation of my mother not believing me caused a tremendous amount of emotional and psychological damage. With my narcissist it was like watching a cult-leader hypnotize everyone in your world and subsequently rob you of your voice and truth that took all the bravery in the world to step into. He was able to continue to soul rape others. So many of my clients say they feel they cannot get past the injustice of their abusers not being held accountable for their actions and the trauma they’ve caused while also moving on to abuse time and time again. It feels similar to the day OJ was acquitted. How could this happen (not to compare a beheading of two beautiful people, but to prove a point of how injustice feels to us)?!  How could he get away with this?!  This is the feeling that I felt after fleeing my abuser and watching him continue to convince others of whatever he was peddling and this is the feeling so many of my clients express to me.  

When I was working as a Social Worker in the Bronx with disenfranchised communities, there were so many stories of trauma at the hands of predators. My clients would tell me their stories of abuse and would often highlight that it wasn’t the abuser that they were mad at, it was the ignorance of their parent or foster parent that they could never get past. How could you allow this to happen to me? Am I not worthy of love and protection? This is where the work is. Building up the self esteem. 

When I began opening up about my experience, someone from an organization that I am involved in told me that they  "believed both of us.” You cannot support a victim in neutral territory. I needed to be believed. I needed to be believed as a child. I needed to be believed as an adult. Girls need to be believed. Women need to be believed. I believe you.  I promise.  I truly do. 

I realized that this was something I needed to make part of my work as a clinician.  I got my MSW from USC, and yet being with this toxic partner would be the most important thing I could've ever learned; my rebirth. This has translated into a new mission for me. I have a full client list now of victims of narcissistic abuse and I love helping them heal. 

Let me say this out loud for the people in the back, respectfully. There are people that "function" as a Cluster B personality disorder and a part of the Dark Triad Personality Disorders. What you have to understand about personality disorders is that these people do not have the same operating system that we have.  For the toxic partner, it's about them never being satiated and then finding the next best person to fill the role of "supply" until they find a new "toy.” The trauma they have experienced has lead them to this place and there is little that can be done to change this. I treat narcissists in my practice now and some express not wanting to love. It can be considered a weakness. I would like to express my heartfelt love to my toxic partner's new toy with the most compassion and sadness for what she is about to experience. I know that she will not understand until it is in her rearview mirror.   

To raise awareness for narcissistic abuse and to support so many of my clients, I am going to attempt to run the state of New York in a wedding dress in May 2021 because it is impossible to talk about mental abuse being domestic violence, but not do more to identify the patterns of this hidden form of deviancy.  Just because you do not SEE the marks on someone's body from abuse does not mean that they are not injured. Healing is glorious and if you need support to do so, you have come to EXACTLY THE RIGHT PLACE. Join me in raising awareness by donating to my run. All money goes toward our cause and will be donated to the domestic violence centers in the respective counties that I will be running through.  Be safe, wash your hands  and believe your friends.

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